Even if you’re not married and pregnant by 32, there’s nothing wrong with you.
I’ve seen too many women feel despair, hopelessness, or worthlessness just because their lives don’t look a certain way by a certain age.
Can you relate?
What’s worse, these women often feel like they have failed and may as well give up any hope of ever finding and maintaining a healthy relationship. They often believe they are fundamentally flawed and broken beyond repair.
And, they think they are the only woman in the world who has experienced this.
The problem is complex. Aside from the loneliness and isolation, women sometimes think they are “letting everyone down.” Their mothers, sisters, and friends expect them to have found the perfect man, married him, purchased a home and begun to fill the nursery with jolly pink-faced babies by now.
Even society seems to relay the message that if you have not achieved certain goals by your early thirties, you don’t really belong anywhere — it seems you are the only single person at weddings, dinner parties and social events. You might think people feel uncomfortable around you, and either pity you or (yikes!) set you up on a blind date with this guy who you will just love.
I’ve also worked with a client who felt that she had failed her unborn children because she hadn’t found them a father.
This suffering often gets bigger because women are commonly in conflict with themselves rather than focusing on simply healing their pain.
I’ve seen many clients come in absolutely barraging themselves with shame, criticism and self- attacks, reinforcing their stories of unworthiness or un-lovability. It’s also common to keep choosing dead end relationships to prove a story of being flawed.
In my private practice, I invite women to feel the pain of their situation without trying to “fix” themselves or change anything at first. Simply articulating and naming the pain, out loud, in relationship is deeply healing. When you talk about a painful situation in a safe space, it becomes neutralized. Sharing your story disarms its power and unlocks its grip, so you can focus on feeling better — and moving on.
The thing is, feeling grief and pain around what you don’t currently have is a very common, and very human experience. When you bring your suffering and shame out of isolation, you can expect to feel better. You then have the opportunity to get real feedback and reflection about what you’re feeling, and can move toward what you truly want with confidence and clarity.
When someone bears witness to our pain, it makes it real. Then we can set a course of healing rather than continually trying to push it away.
The process of self –reflection + introspection leads to knowing who we really are. When you face the pain you are feeling, then and only then can you focus on what may be keeping healthy intimacy out of your reach.
An examination of unconscious beliefs coupled with your willingness to sit in the fire and embrace unknown leads to deep self-awareness and the ability to create an authentic life — including an authentic relationship.